on my way home from work, i watched the fireworks from the bus. they lit the whole sky red and i wanted to be a part of that. instead, i made food for strangers, plastered on a smile like bandaids. i cut my right index finger a few days ago. it’s cut from the tip of it to the edge of the nail i’d cut too short a few days before that.
there are ambulances everywhere, on the bus ride. they look a little like fireworks.
my horoscope says this:
Even if you want to be helpful today, you could easily misread someone’s intentions. You might have strong suspicions that others aren’t being very supportive of your efforts and it may even seem that they are working against you. But you could also be afraid of being abandoned. Managing your own emotional insecurities now is more crucial than worrying about anyone else.
who here thinks i am not lonely? i want a shoulder to press my face into. i want someone who knows the bands i know, i want someone to understand “i have dreams that bring me sadness” or my excitement over a local group called Alpha Couple. i want to slide under familiar sheets, my sheets, i want my own bed.
not my own bed back home, i just want a bed of my own. i am constantly on the couch, this brown beast we found in the alleyway. i am so much myself in this city. how did that happen?
i feel like i’m a caricature again, like always. what’s a little loneliness in the face of my own place? i try to convince myself to make some food. i fail, of course.
a cat’s taken up most of my ‘bed’ - the couch - and these animals, the two pets, they’re not mine. i think about how much is left in my bank account. i want to buy a nice dress. i want to impress the cute waiter at a local diner. i want him to want me, etc, etc.
same old story, same old girl, just a new city. whatever. a little more wine, a couple more smokes and it will all look the same.
it’s the same old story, after all.
